Ini adalah spontanitas 100%, my guts tell me to write directly on blogger, because I think this is a part of my growing up steps, this is a big steps.
I deactive my Instagram account, and I deleted the application.
Somehow, hal itu mengubah rutinitas dan how I think about life, mostly. I lost some, and of course get some. Ini adalah hari ketiga, and it actually got me a lot of thinking, and I think I've come up with a little decision for myself.
I want to... dismiss myself from the crowd, for a little moment.
I don't want to appear in any of my social media, I don't want to join any of social events, yah tapi kalau yang udah terlanjut gue ngga bisa menghancurkan people's trust on me ya, tapi intinya, gue mau membatasi banget kontak gue dengan society.
I need a deep moment with myself. Yes you can say self-isolation 2.0.
But I feel like this one's different. The first one is of course, my break up. I did isolate myself, but actualy isolate myself with a tragic sadness, and caught me up in the clouds, having one perspective, and judging life from here and there.
This one's different. 2 Years of self re-building, really taught me so many things. Caught me up in poeple's shoes, give me a whole new perspective about life. Involved in many social events, jobs, wrong relationships, engaging with lot of new people. Yes, I do try to make my life as busy as I could, to make me forgot about this emptiness. But people, today, I... I didn't call it as surreding. I call it an Ultimate Self Introspection.
I want silence.
I will never fight my emptiness with noises this time.
Most people afraid of silence. Because in silence, the truths about yourself are revealed. You can't run, you can't hide, because the only thing you found is your trueself, and no more hiding, no more pretending, but facing your true fear, your true scars, your ugly facts about life, your tragedy, you broken pieces, are ready to be faced, after I've been running for these 2 years.
Yes, finally I've realised. You can't pass on without mourning. Mourning with real mind, to really understand. To feel. What I've been doing is, feeding myself with anger. I do a lot of crying, but it's not mourning. It's an act of rejecting the fact. I haven't let myself broke, and mourn, and accept the fact that I may be weak, and sad, and I fail this times. And the most important thing is, it's okay to fail, and not having the answer immediately, not be able to motivate yourself, to start a complete self rebuilding.
How can you build a strong foundation on a rough, scattered, broken land? Don't we have to firstly clean, heal, flattening the ground, and simply understand that it all takes time to finally be a strong foundation (again) to build something above it?
And here, in silence I found the truth. Not from my mother, my best friends, wong fu videos, buzz feed video, or any other lecturing video how to pass a broken heart phase. I caught my answer in self-accepting, and especially in silence. And in that moment, don't interup the process with "you called self motivating" or "you called solution", when you force yourself to find a solution in this harsh time, what you found isn't solution. I mean, how can you think clearly when you're head is actually messed up? You end up making up a "Words" that your own heads want to hear. Some sentenced filled with rush and anger, the urge to prove that you can actually pass this grief.
That's okay.
To pause a little bit.
To live a life without a clear direction.
"You have to get lost, to finally find your true self."
I need to spend time in my own sanctuary. Think none. Feel none.
And finally, I know, that life itself will restore my feels, my sense, my pure soul, without I have to make it all up. Let it processing from a zigot, to an embrio, finally to be a beautiful baby of soul.
I can't keep interfering my process of creating a new soul of life.
I need to let it grow.
It takes time.
And it's okay.
Thank you Jesus, for making me realise tonight.
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