Well. This is it.
This is the end, for me. It feels like one. I’m in the corner of the street. It’s walls, walls, and walls. Got no way out. Don’t tell me I’m giving up. Because I’ve search a freakin other way, I go there, there, there, and there. I even go the underground, searching for another way to escape. But this sadness feels like a maze I can’t never get out. No matter door I got in, it always end up in the same place I started, sadness, broken heart, loneliness, emptiness, and the worst thing, it’s endless. It’s a dark and lonely road. I’m out of energy. I’m draining.
I’m out of energy. I can’t walk anymore. I can’t put back the pieces of myself together. It’s all over the place. And it’s dying, each of it. Every attemped that I do, to put it back together, always going to fall, break, and be crashed, again and again. You think this is a joke, huh, life?
Okay, you win. Okay life. You did win. I’m done. I’m not challenging you anymore, life. Please, stop this torture. What else you want me to do? You want me to give my life up? What? What else?
I don’t know what else to say. I do feel like I’m in the corner right now. No, there’s no lava, or poisoned smoke. It simply there’s nothing. Nothing. I’m in this lonely maze, surviving alone. But i’m stuck. In this maze forever. Nobody’s picking me up. Its like life’s building a wall for me and a rescue.
I’m in a coffin. Alive, but in a coffin. Couldn’t escape. My soul is dead already. Just my body’s still moving. Still breathing. But it’s a coffin for my soul. It’s been dead for long time ago. And the worst thing is I just realise it now. No matter how hard I ran, I fight back, I jump, I fix myself, I fucking punched the walls, I fucking tried everything, but it’s just not fair, me here, burning my throat, staying awake at night, making a sad letter, drunk and sad again when i’m sober, caught up in an always wrong relationship with stranger, and again, and again, it’s fucking not fair that you’re happy there with someone new, fake happiness, temporary happiness, but at least.. there’s happiness word in it. Too bad, indeed, my soul’s dead already. There’s nothing I can do to change it.
From a genuine soul, you kill it like blowing out candle. So easy. Without guilty feeling. And ready to kill another one. I wish there’s a word to describe how much I hate you right now. It’s like nothing else in this word. I hate you, like I wish I could forget your name.
When I say that I didn’t regret that you’re part of my life, no I fucking take it back for sure. I do, wish, that, you, never, even be seen. Never heard your name. Never look at you even once. Never breath the same air with you. Never ever, step the same world with you. No, that doesn’t even describe 1% of how much I hate you. I could write 100 books to describe how much I hate you.
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Tapi sumpah sih, disuruh balikan juga gue bener-bener nggamau. Beneran, ngga denial. Bener-bener nggamau. So if there’s a wish that can come true for me. I just want my genuine soul back. Thats all. I want my old soul, where I can still see people’s good as good. Where I see love is the act of being grateful of life. Where I can still smile with strangers. Where I still feel like life is a gift. I don’t know how precious is my genuine soul until today. It’s the most precious gift from god. I used to hate it so much, being genuine, because I always think positively about everything. I hate it, I thought it was stupid. But no, It’s a really precious that almost everyone has lost it. I am deeply really sad about it you can’t imagine.
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